This Book Has Balls Page 16

  Again, Ronda’s personal story is great: it’s heartwarming, it’s authentic, and it’s a true rags-to-riches story. She was homeless at one time in her life and truly became an iconic athlete in the new millennium. Inspiring narrative, absolutely. You know what else is a great story? The Life and Times of Amanda Nunes, an openly gay Brazilian chick who came from the bottom of the bottom of the favelas in Bahia, Brazil, to dismantle Rousey in forty-eight seconds. That, my friends at the Business Insider, is real domination. Has Nunes appeared on any magazine covers since? Is she hobnobbing with Ellen DeGeneres? Is she swimming in endorsement money? Fuck no: she’s back in the gym trying to stay out of the Brazilian ghettos.

  Now, this isn’t Ronda’s fault; this is the media’s bullshit buildup—the same shit they do in boxing when they get a decent-looking fighter with okay talent and they want to build a star. We know the game. The entire media buildup of Ronda Rousey was some classic “Great White and Hope” shit. They took it too far and way too fast, and Rousey was the one who paid the price. The beatings she took were, in my opinion, avoidable if they would have given her some time to train as opposed to worrying about getting her to the photo shoot so she could help blow up your sport. Do me a favor and save terms like “Most Dominant Athlete Alive” for people like Steph Curry, Michael Phelps, or even that ball kicker Lionel Messi. People who dominated for long periods of time. You cannot be the most dominant anything at 11–0, and that was her record at the time the article came out. I was 19–0 in seventh-grade slap boxing matches, and no one said shit about me! Did I have a nine-inch reach advantage because of a growth spurt no one saw coming? Yes, but I wasn’t being heralded as the most of anything! I’m begging you guys to stop giving titles like this away. I get it, I know, you’re building a product. But don’t do it at the expense of cheapening your sport, endangering your athlete, and tricking the public.

  Side note: I wouldn’t last ten seconds in the ring with Ronda. I’m flat-footed and don’t do well in tight spots. Anyone puts me in a headlock, I fake my own sleep. I don’t blame Dana White either. He doesn’t write the pieces in these magazines. His job is to sell tickets, and he’s doing what he has to do. I like Dana. Sure, we don’t hang out much, but I do have his cell number. Plus, he’s gotten me tickets, and I hope he doesn’t stop. Get at me, Dana.

  Why Boxers Make More Money Than MMA Fighters

  I enjoy watching UFC and I want to see the sport grow, but I do think they need to figure out a couple of things. The way it’s going, there will never be a UFC fighter making Floyd Mayweather money (unless they are fighting Floyd Mayweather ala Conor McGregor). You know why? Because there are too many ways to lose in the MMA and shutter your career while it’s on the rise. In MMA, you may be the best wrestler in the game, and then you get knocked out by a boxer and the train stops. You may have the best stand-up game in the UFC, but you didn’t prepare for the ankle lock. You may be a jujitsu master but didn’t see the judo coming. Fighters need momentum to build careers and make big money, and in the UFC, it’s too tough to build real momentum. Boxers generally have been doing one thing for much longer.

  Boxers usually start when they’re about seven years old. You fight in the amateurs and tournaments every week, and you build your amateur record running around the country with your family in a van. If you show any promise, you go international and fight around the world. If you shine there, then you may fight in the Olympics, and by that time you’ve got about sixty or seventy amateur fights under your belt and you’re only seventeen years old. Now when you get out of the Olympics, people know you. The world’s been watching you, and the promoters are circling. You’ve been building a fan base, and millions of people have heard your name. Now Bob Arum or Dan Goossen or Don King or Lou DiBella signs you to build your pro career. But they will not rush you like the UFC did Ronda Rousey. Mike Tyson was 22–0 before you ever saw his face on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Ronda was 11–0 and already starring in movies and landing on magazine covers.

  The media also needs to stop portraying boxers and MMA fighters as equals in the ring. It’s ridiculous. Would a grappler, who is trained in submissions and knows how to choke you out with your own shirt, beat up a boxer in the street if he got him on the ground? Of course he would! But, would a well-trained boxer dismantle any MMA fighter with limited boxing experience in a boxing match? Yes! You know who never, ever makes these comparisons? Boxers and MMA fighters, because they know more than anybody that they are two different sports. Why the fuck are they even having these talks on TV and radio sports shows every single day? It’s like wondering if Michael Phelps would best Usain Bolt in NASCAR. They’re both the fastest in their sports; how would one hundred laps at Indy turn out? Who gives a flying fuck? Shut this conversation down once and for all.

  And I’m begging you, please, don’t let Mayweather fight McGregor.

  If Conor McGregor fights Floyd Mayweather, I may never order another boxing match in my life. I will not pay my own hard-earned money for that bullshit circus-act fight. And, Floyd, if you take that fight, shame on you for embarrassing the sport that made you rich and famous. McGregor is a loudmouth tough guy who, oddly enough, stole his entire persona from Money Mayweather, who stole it from Ali, who took his animated style from pro wrestler Gorgeous George. Conor is great at MMA, but let’s not get it twisted. He’s not going to stand a chance at beating Floyd, Canelo, Triple G, Terence Crawford, Manny Pacquiao, or any other top-twenty-ranked boxer. So, I hope by the time this soon-to-be-bestselling book hits the shelves, that fight will have never happened. You saw what Floyd did to Manny, and you saw what he did to Canelo. If that’s not enough to let you know what he would do to basically an amateur boxer in Conor, then I don’t know what to tell you. Again, I respect the shit out of MMA and the UFC, I’m a fan, but chill the fuck out. Once again, Conor is on that great-white-hype train like Ronda was. If you fight Floyd, you could get hurt. You might get hit so hard in the liver that your leprechaun tattoo could fall off. No idea if you have one, but that shit could happen. You’ve been warned.

  Rocky Is Great, but Not the Greatest

  There’s an ongoing debate regarding what the best sports film of all time is. It’s a favorite topic for many people, it’s a sports blogger’s dream to discuss, and it’s something anyone who loves sports and film has sat up and argued about for years. Usually the lists look something like this:

  10. Field of Dreams

  9. Miracle

  8. Slap Shot

  7. The Bad News Bears

  6. All the Right Moves

  5. Caddyshack

  4. Friday Night Lights

  3. White Men Can’t Jump

  2. Hoosiers

  1. Rocky

  This is a damn good list of films, and most of these make my top ten, too. Every one of these films strikes a different chord. I want gritty, I go with Hoosiers; if it’s a Sensitive Sunday, I’ll throw in Field of Dreams; or I could just watch Caddyshack or Slap Shot and enjoy a good laugh. And, of course, Miracle is always good for some inspiration.

  * * *

  Of course, any list of mine will always have Rocky near the top. Rocky was a life-changing movie experience for me. I saw it twenty times in the theaters when it came out in 1976. My sister took me the first time, then I saw it three times with my mom, five with my dad, and eleven anyone else I could tag along with. I can tell you anything and everything about that movie. It’s probably my favorite movie of all time. Just thinking about Rocky gets me up and out of the house.

  I also stand by Rocky II as being a totally underappreciated, high-quality film, with one of the most spine-chilling moments in film history. When Adrian wakes up out of her coma and tells Rocky she just wants him to do something for her, and Rocky says, “What’s that?” and she tells him, “Win, win,” and then Mickey says, “What are we waiting for?” it rocked my fucking world, and may be the best moment of any Rocky film ever. I’m having a hard time not doing push-ups for no reason right thi
s very second.

  Rocky III had its magical moments, too. You know you can’t go wrong with Mr. T’s Clubber Lang. And don’t even get me started on Burgess Meredith as Mickey. I’ll put him up there with the greatest characters ever to grace the screen in any genre of film. Even in Rocky V he had his one and only flashback scene where he says, “Get up, you son of a bitch, ’cause Mickey loves you.” That moment was as inspirational as any TED Talk could ever dream to be. That’s the beauty of the great sports films. They inspire!

  When I watch Rudy, I still get emotional and cry against my will because it’s so damn uplifting.

  My Rocky love is as real today as it was in 1976.

  Karate Kid is a dope sports film, and I’m not even sure if karate is a sport, but I’ll be damned if I’m not waxing on and off for hours after watching that great piece. Major League with the pre–Tiger’s Blood, “Winning” Charlie Sheen is amazing and still has a crazy cult following to this day.

  The list goes on and on, and if you wanted to, you could break them down into individual sports. North Dallas Forty, Any Given Sunday, and the original The Longest Yard go down in football. Miracle and Slap Shot take hockey; Field of Dreams and The Natural might take baseball, and, fuck it, let’s give Happy Gilmore and Tin Cup golf. Denzel Washington gets his own sports subcategory: Hurricane, Remember the Titans, and He Got Game: all great flicks, and Denzel never disappoints; I don’t care if you give him a basketball or an airplane while drinking, he’s a true acting beast!

  * * *

  Ali gets his own documentary section. When We Were Kings, Soul Power, A.k.a. Cassius Clay, Muhammad & Larry, and The Thrilla in Manila are all next-level documentaries.

  ESPN’s 30 for 30 series has made dozens of incredible top-ten-worthy films: Winning Time: Reggie Miller vs the New York Knicks, The Fab Five, Catching Hell, The Announcement, and Survive and Advance are all worth watching as soon as possible. I didn’t even mention the sheer brilliance of When the Garden Was Eden, directed by maverick disruptive filmmaker Michael Rapaport. And the best of the entire bunch, O.J.: Made in America, won the 2016 Oscar for Best Documentary. The list is never-ending, my friends, but it’s about to end, because not one of the films I just mentioned is the best. The best, my readership, is yet to come, and you’re welcome!

  The Bronx Bull, the Raging Bull

  Raging Bull is the greatest sports movie ever made. Not only is it the best sports movie ever made, it’s the best film ever made. Strong statement? I think not. This masterpiece transcends the sports genre and stands alone as a cinematic endeavor by the master himself, Martin Scorsese. I’m sorry, Mr. Balboa, I really am.

  I don’t need to give you the obligatory description of Raging Bull. If you haven’t seen it, crease the page right here, put down this book, go watch it, and thank me later. This is not an inspirational tale, this is not a motivational tale. This is the in-depth story of one of the saddest, most complex characters of all time. The story is gut-wrenching, and what Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro pull off is nothing short of miraculous. There are no shiny lights, uplifting speeches, comebacks, or heroic moments in Raging Bull. Jake LaMotta, played by De Niro, is an abusive, jealous, self-destructive motherfucker, and we love every single moment of it. All Jake’s flaws, vulnerabilities, and pain make him relatable and bring him to life like no character in any film I can think of. It’s not an easy film to watch, but it’s not supposed to be. Life ain’t easy to watch either, and no film mirrors life’s depth of personal demons the way this masterpiece does. It’s my number one, folks, and I’m sticking by it.

  These are my fifteen rounds and reasons why Raging Bull isn’t just the best sports movie ever made but the best film ever made.

  Round 1: Bobby De Niro

  What hasn’t been said about Robert De Niro’s performance in Raging Bull? It’s a game-changing moment in acting. De Niro took everything that had ever been done on film before him and brought it to a new plateau, a level we haven’t seen since.

  It’s a Big Bang moment in acting. You hear about method acting and living the part—well, De Niro reached the method acting mountaintop, and no one’s knocked him off. It’s hard to argue what’s the best when it comes to art, because it’s subjective, but this performance forced every actor and actress to rethink what was possible when it comes to character. De Niro looked and moved like a professional boxer, then gained sixty pounds to play out-of-shape LaMotta during his demise. The physical performance of Robert De Niro gave him the freedom to become LaMotta. Every blink, gesture, and breath Bobby D took as Jake LaMotta is a living organism and is as believable as anything we’ve ever seen on screen. He was in a zone you see only once in a lifetime. De Niro set the benchmark for what a person strives to achieve when taking on a role. Without De Niro’s performance, we don’t have Benicio del Toro, Christian Bale, or Leo’s crowning moments in cinema. Next time you see Denzel, ask him what he thinks about Raging Bull. He’ll probably sit down and have a moment with you.

  Round 2: The Opening Credits

  The sequence, which is shot in still frame over opera music, lets you know you’re in for something huge. It’s a painting. It’s the Sistine Chapel of opening sequences. De Niro dancing around the ring in slow motion sets the tone like no opening before it or since.

  Round 3: Joe Pesci

  This was Pesci’s first part in a legitimate film. He was vivaciously alive, vulnerable, and real, and brought straight-faced humor and pain as Joey. Pesci went on to become one of the world’s most beloved actors. He was nominated for best supporting actor but lost to Timothy Hutton in Ordinary People. The first time I ever got drunk in my life was on the set of Beautiful Girls, and I had to let Hutton know how I felt about him beating Pesci for the statue in 1980. That didn’t go well at all.

  Round 4: Cheers

  Remember the guy who played Coach on Cheers? He was a journeyman actor named Nicholas Colasanto, whose biggest break before Cheers was playing Tommy Como, the mob boss who pushes LaMotta to throw a fight. He passed away during the third season of Cheers and was replaced by then-unknown actor Woody Harrelson. No Raging Bull, no Woody Harrelson, which means no White Men Can’t Jump. You’re welcome again!

  Round 5: Cathy Moriarty

  Her raspy voice alone should’ve gotten her an award. The first time she appears in the film, kicking her legs in the pool, stunning like a Fifties pinup girl, is one of the greatest introductions to any character in film history. This is arguably one of the sexiest sports film performances, along with those of Susan Sarandon in Bull Durham, Rosario Dawson in He Got Game, and Rosie Perez in White Men Can’t Jump.

  Round 6: Humor

  Even though the Bull is emotionally dark, it’s also funny as fuck. The humor comes from Pesci and De Niro’s arguing over the most basic of life’s things. They’re like some sort of violent Laurel and Hardy. The “Hit Me in the Face” scene is like the Abbott and Costello “Who’s on First” classic. Joey trying to tell Jake to get in shape for a fight by explaining, “If you win, you win; if you lose, you still win; just get down to 155 pounds, you fat bastard. You understand everything—do you understand that?” makes no sense and complete sense all at the same time. They pulled off the humor where it seemed impossible.

  Round 7: John Turturro

  One of the most underrated actors of the last twenty-five years. He auditioned over and over to be a part of Raging Bull, knowing it was going to be special. A young Turturro wound up having just a single line in the film but got to sit at the table with De Niro and Pesci during one of the scenes at the Copacabana. You can see him at the 22:15 mark of the movie.

  Round 8: Cinematography

  Every ounce of the black-and-white cinematography is perfection. Shot by Michael Chapman, the boxing scenes are so seamlessly put together that it’s hard to make sense of when shots start and when they end. The boxing in the movie is a choreographed dance of beauty and violence. The fight scenes are shot like horror films. The brutality and violence are fe
lt through the camera. One of the most memorable shots in film history is the “Blood on the Ropes” shot at 1:41:26 that single-handedly articulates everything that is violent about the sweet science. You can watch the movie with no sound and still witness pure art in cinematography.

  Round 9: Boogie Nights

  Paul Thomas Anderson, the director of Boogie Nights, borrowed so many moments and ideas from Raging Bull and Scorsese to make his classic porn tale that he could have named it Boogie Bull. From the close-ups of the old-fashioned camera flashes to the long, steady camera shots to the most obvious final scene of Boogie Nights when Dirk, played by Mark Wahlberg, sits in front of the mirror, goes over his lines, and then whips out his prosthetic piece. This scene is lifted almost shot-for-shot from Raging Bull’s final scene.

  Round 10: Life Lessons

  “You never got me down, Ray; I never went down.” There are so many life lessons in this film that inspire me to this day. Jake tells his wife after losing a controversial fifteen-round decision, “The people knew, they knew! They knew who the boss was. The judges didn’t know. Who knows what happened with them—the people knew!” I find this dialogue so inspiring. This is something I say to myself when I’m feeling underappreciated, misunderstood, or taken for granted. I say to myself, “The people know what you’re about, Mike, the people get you. Producers, agents, nerds, and judgmental hipster fucks wanna pass judgment, they don’t wanna give you a shot, they don’t wanna figure you out—fuck ’em. The people get you, the people know, they know.” Try it. Next time you’re feeling like you’re not being heard or appreciated, ask yourself if the people know what you’re all about, and if the answer is yes, trust me: you’ll start to feel a little better about yourself. Fuck the judges. The credit goes to those in the ring. There are so many Raging Bull pick-me-up lines that I’m surprised they haven’t released a book of haikus from the psyche of Jake LaMotta.