This Book Has Balls Page 12

  Judge: Mr. Rapaport?

  Rapaport: You think Bernard King would ever get jacked in his own town for the wisdom tooth right out of his mouth?

  Judge: Enough!

  Rapaport: Hustlers, pimps, and dope dealers cleared the way and protected the great Knicks like Willis Reed and Earl “the Pearl” Monroe. They wouldn’t dare think about robbing them!

  Judge: Please note that Mr. Rapaport has lost his way, and strike this information from the records.

  Rapaport: I’ll sell my own fucking tooth!

  Jackson: Is this necessary? Kurt?

  Rambis: Objection!

  Rapaport: I’ll take your fucking retainer!

  Rambis: I don’t have a retainer.

  Rapaport: You should have one, Kurt. Your teeth look like shit. Let me ask you this, Phil: How about a curfew?

  Jackson: God bless you.

  Rapaport: I didn’t sneeze! I said curfew.

  Jackson: Oh.

  Rapaport: People of the jury, I ask you to look at Mr. Phil Jackson here and realize that he is no longer fit to run this team, and that we must uphold the decision to keep him out of New York for the remainder of the Knicks’ existence.

  Judge: Mr. Rapaport, the jury will make their decision at the proper time. Please continue. And why are your shoes off ? Please put your shoes back on.

  Rapaport: Come on, judge, my feet are burning up.

  Judge: Put your shoes back on!

  Rapaport: Okey-dokey, you’re the boss.

  Rapaport unwillingly puts his shoes back on.

  Rapaport: Mr. Jackson, did you or didn’t you say you were going to have the Knicks run the famed triangle offense here in New York?

  Rambis: Objection, Your Honor! That offense is not understood by many people, and we ask that you strike that statement from the records.

  Judge: Motion denied. Allow for the triangle offense to be kept on record. Continue, Mr. Rapaport.

  Rapaport: Of course you want it thrown out. No one understood the fucking offense! It didn’t work here. It’s like you were trying to teach trigonometry, Phil. No one gets the mystical “all for one, one for all, everyone has to touch the ball before shooting it” offense. It’s over, Phil. This ain’t Chicago, and Jordan ain’t here. The triangle offense should be banished. Can we all wake the fuck up, please? You’re gone, it’s gone. Good-bye.

  Judge: Watch your language in the courtroom!

  Rapaport: How can you run an offense that you yourself have forgotten?

  Jackson: It worked with the Bulls in ’93.

  Rapaport: That was twenty years ago!

  Jackson: Has it been that long, Kurt?

  Rambis: A little longer. Is my hair really that bad?

  Jackson: I never noticed.

  Rapaport: Phil, is it true or not true that you started directing tweets to your star player, Mr. Carmelo Anthony?

  Jackson: Is he here?

  Rapaport: Is he here? No, he’s not here, and neither are you!

  Jackson: Is he coming?

  Rapaport: No.

  Jackson: Good. We never got along.

  Rapaport: No shit, you’re not getting along. Mr. Jackson, you tweeted at him like you were a scorned teenage girl. You tweeted that he should leave New York and chase the championship elsewhere. Is this or is this not ridiculous behavior coming from the onetime head of operations of a well-known, legendary franchise?

  Jackson: Is Porzingis on Twitter?

  Rapaport: Judge, he’s not even answering my questions.

  Jackson: I love Porzingis. I’ll tweet him. I’ll miss him the most.

  Rambis: Please don’t.

  Jackson: Okay.

  Judge: Mr. Rambis, please advise your client to answer the question.

  Rambis whispers into Phil’s ear. Phil pops what looks like an edible.

  Judge: Mr. Jackson, there’s no eating in the courtroom.

  Jackson: Sorry, judge. It’s medicinal.

  Judge: Excuse me?

  Jackson: It’s for my knees.

  Judge: You’re eating medical marijuana in my courtroom during your appeal?

  Rambis whispers into Jackson’s ear.

  Jackson: No, sir. I’m not sure what that was. It was stuck in my pocket and my mouth was dry. It might be a caramel.

  Judge: Mr. Rapaport, let’s get moving here.

  Rapaport: Judge and members of the jury, I am as upset as you are. I’ve shed many a man tear over this decision to pursue and uphold the eviction of the once great—and he was great—Phil Jackson from New York. This entire thing has given me a stomachache, and I already have an acid reflux issue and a number of gluten-related problems as well. It’s kept me up for weeks on end, but I cannot waver on my decision to keep Phil from coming back here, and I ask you, the jury, to see it the same way. To quote former Knick legend Micheal “Sugar” Ray Richardson, “This ship be sinking.” The New York Knickerbockers have never sunk so low, and the city itself has never been so uniformly together on one subject—that subject being the firm and permanent removal of Phil Jackson so we can return to being the greatest sports town of all time, a city that deserves a championship team, a team that can be proud to play in Madison Square Garden, the world’s most famous arena! Phil, I want you out of the five boroughs before it’s too late. And, Kurt, let’s get real: you need to cut that ridiculous mullet that you call a hairdo!

  Rambis: Objection!

  Rapaport: Accept that you’ve got more scalp than hair, Rambis!

  Judge: Mr. Rapaport, you’re out of order!

  Rapaport: No, Your Honor, you’re out of order, he’s out of order, Phil Jackson’s out of order.

  Judge: Mr. Rapaport, sit down!

  Rapaport is in a leaning position, as if to touch his toes.

  Rapaport: I can’t, I can’t, Your Honor. I got an issue here. I think my back locked up on me!

  Judge: Mr. Rapaport, did you not hear me?

  Rapaport is now back up and running in circles in front of the jury and the defense table, waving his hands in the air as if he’s won the case.

  Rapaport: We did it, we won, ladies and gentlemen of the jury! And, Judge, you can rejoice with me as well, because I know you want this burnout gone, and I know you want this appeal to fail and for him to retire and be done here! I’m well aware you canceled your season ticket package, Your Honor. Nobody wants to see it anymore. We the people of New York have removed Phil Jackson from this city once and for all!

  Judge: Rapaport, you are in contempt! Sheriff, will you please remove Mr. Rapaport from the courtroom?

  Rapaport: I’m a fucking winner. You’re a loser, Phil! I took a group of ten-year-olds with no basic skills or proper diet plan to the flag football championship! What the hell have you done to my city? The Statue of Liberty is shitting her pants as we speak!

  Judge: Mr. Rapaport, you’re going to jail! I set your bail at five thousand!

  Rapaport: That’s good!

  Judge: Now it’s ten thousand!

  Rapaport: Even better! At least it’s less than what Phil paid for players who don’t even want to be here! And I will happily do my time quietly, Your Honor. I hope they have TV where you’re sending me. That way I might be able to see my dreams of living in a great sports town revived again!

  The jury is going crazy, clapping for Rapaport. The sheriff cuffs him and takes him toward the exit.

  Rapaport: My people, I have spoken! Grab me that cigarette from my inside pocket, will ya?

  The sheriff finally whisks him out of the courtroom, the door closes, and the judge bangs the gavel.

  Judge: Courtroom dismissed!

  Phil Jackson lays his head on the table to take a nap. Rambis runs his fingers through what’s left of his hair.

  The courtroom goes dark.

  Halftime! My Spiritual Connection with the Housewives of Bravo TV

  Awhile back I was sick of watching the New York Giants getting their asses kicked on Sunday Night Football, so I shut it off and went to see wh
at my wife was watching in the bedroom. She was happily leaning into Bravo’s Real Housewives of Atlanta. As I was coming down from nine hours of Sunday NFL football, I just put my head into the pillows and let the show roll over me. I had no idea of the long-lasting treat that I would be giving myself.

  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The women argued, laughed, and talked so much shit to each other that I had to take note. I asked my wife a few backstory questions about the relationships that were being slaughtered and reawoken within the same five-minute scene. I kept saying, “Yo, is this shit real? This shit can’t be real.” I couldn’t believe there were real people behaving like this. I didn’t believe these women were this funny, volatile, and open with each other, and it was all being filmed for TV. I was drawn in immediately. As soon as the episode ended, I wanted more.

  I started binge-watching past seasons of the housewife shows like a pheen. I became a real-life Real Housewife junky. The shit was starting to cut into my work. I had things to do, lines to learn, and books to write, but I couldn’t focus unless I was completely done with an episode. I couldn’t fucking pause. As a prideful and seasoned shit-talker myself, I recognized the greatness of NeNe Leakes’s ability right away. NeNe is a proud former stripper who has made the most of her time on these shows. After ten seasons on RHOA, she’s carved out a nice career as an actress and TV personality. One of the things that helped her stand out was that she’s a vicious and outrageous shit-talker who doesn’t care about the ramifications of her tongue-lashings. She can also take it as good as she gives it, which is an underrated quality for a great talker of trash. I loved her instantly. NeNe Leakes in her prime on The Real Housewives of Atlanta was as entertaining and genuinely charismatic as Calista Flockhart was as Ally McBeal. I consider NeNe my vessel into the world of Real Housewives. She was so genuine and comfortable with herself, good, bad, and ugly (behaviorally speaking) that as an actor I found her inspiring.

  Nobody exudes total relaxation in a Real Housewife as much as the great Bethenny Frankel. I refer to her as the Michael Jordan of Housewives because she left RHONY in her prime and did the unprecedented and came back better and stronger than ever. Bethenny is truly one of the best ball breakers I’ve ever seen on screen, or in real life, for that matter. She’s a combination of a young Vince Vaughn and Seattle Supersonic Gary Payton when it comes to verbal warfare. She’s funny, provocative, and self-deprecating. The fact that when she started on the Real Housewives of New York show as a regular girl who didn’t know where she was going in life and eight years later created the multimillion-dollar Skinny Girl business is some true-blue, only-in-America-type shit. I have no idea how much money she’s worth, but it’s a fucking lot, and she did it all in front of the cameras. Getting to follow Bethenny through relationships, marriage, divorce, and having a kid all while listening to her talk some of the best shit you’ll ever hear has been television entertainment at its finest. The whole idea of following sort-of-regular people on their personal journeys is always compelling. The Bravo Real Housewives series is truly documenting people’s lives through thick and thin.

  * * *

  One of my favorite documentary films is the Up series, which has followed a group of British children from different backgrounds from the ages of seven through fifty-six, with a new documentary on the same kids produced every seven years, and it’s still going. Film critic Roger Ebert considered it one of the great films of all time, as you see life change and evolve with all its unpredictability. I consider the Housewives shows a similar kind of documentary filmmaking, and the people on the shows are brave to let millions of people into their worlds.

  Trust that I say this with the full understanding that if you have never seen any Bravo Housewives shows, these kinds of comparisons will make zero sense to you, and you might be saying, “What the fuck is Rapaport even talking about?” I get that, but you’re the one who is missing out, my friend. Every Housewives table flip, wig snatch, or emotional tirade is your loss, not mine. You’re missing out on some of the best entertainment of the last ten years. We’re currently in the Golden Era of television, with so many great shows being created and so many different formats to watch. But don’t forget that television was produced to bring simple entertainment into homes and to give families enjoyment. Yes, I love great, complex dramas like Breaking Bad and House of Cards just as much as the next person. And I also appreciate sitcoms like Friends or The Big Bang Theory. But I would put up the unpredictable family dysfunction of The Real Housewives of New Jersey against any Emmy Award–winning show. I will also put the wackiness of RHONY cast member Ramona Singer and the crying face of Beverly Hills newcomer Erika Jayne up against anything on Comedy Central. So, do yourself a favor the next time you’ve run out of games to watch or your favorite fancy-ass cold-case murder mystery show runs its course. Find yourself some Bravo Real Housewives and buckle your seat belt for good times and even some genuine, tear-jerking drama. Trust me: you won’t be let down. Tell the Housewives I sent you.

  Rapaport’s Real Housewife Top Twenty Power Rankings, Volume 1

  20. Dorinda Medley, RHONY: Immediate break-out star. The blue-eyed shit-talker has finger-pointing skills and hand gestures that commonly make traffic police stop and stare. Medley will mess things up but always “make it nice.” Loyal to the core as she continues to stand by her longtime lover “Johnny Cleaners,” who should be starring in his very own straight-to-video mob movies.

  19. Shereé Whitfield, RHOA: Comeback Housewife of the Year in 2017. Has the best straight face in the game. Showed her vulnerable side in ’17 but will still go toe-to-toe with anybody. Famously told NeNe Leakes to “fix her face” and became a viral sensation. Proudly built Château Shereé from the ground up, on her own dime.

  18. Cynthia Bailey, RHOA: Beautiful fifty-year-old former supermodel will sometimes leave new viewers dazed and confused with her ever-changing wig/weave collection. Fashion maverick to some, style nightmare to others. Good natured and tries to avoid trouble, but proved she wasn’t above kicking a Bish when she got into a dust-up with a fellow Atlanta housewife.

  17. Carole Radziwill, RHONY: Known to her friends as Radzy. Good natured but not innocent. Has been accused of being the most storyless housewife in franchise history. Recent concerns are mounting over her ever-growing collection of stray cats. Radzy made waves when she bagged a sexy twenty-six-year-old vegan chef named Adam, who could cook your pants off and bore you to sleep in the same evening.

  16. Ramona Singer, RHONY: Gave the world Turtle Time, her signature announcement to her cast that she’s about to get boozed up. Has more facial contortions than Meryl Streep could dream of. The zany and unpredictable stylings of Ms. Singer have left her castmates laughing, crying, and totally confused.

  15. Kandi Burruss, RHOA: The good-natured Grammy-winning musician and sex-toy mogul doesn’t start trouble but will not shy away from ending it. Burruss is a member of the R&B group Xscape. She’s tough as nails and a reluctant but frequent on-camera crier. Kandi is a fan favorite who has often had to clean up her own mother’s messiness.

  14. Erika Girardi, RHOBH: Also known as Erika Jayne, the hypersexual, multi-award-winning pop singer. Girardi/Jayne was the hands-down Rookie of the Year in 2015. Her sharp tongue and “I don’t give a fuck” attitude were an obvious threat to Beverly Hills’ veterans. However, she lost her cool and some cachet in her second season with the now infamous “Panty Gate” scandal and a disturbing crying face. Longtime wife of much older husband attorney, Tom Girardi, who bought her a Chagall painting for a million dollars.

  13. Phaedra Parks, RHOA: The lawyer-mortician was the first Housewife to get fired publicly from the show. I predict she will someday return. This low-key shit starter and possible undiagnosed pathological liar has dealt with a lot during her tenure in Atlanta, and I wish her a speedy return to the Southern front lines.

  12. Sonja Morgan, RHONY: Known to some as the Village Idiot. The sexy Upper East Side town house owner has a knac
k for hiring scrappy interns. Extremely open but classy about her past love life with Prince, playboys, and even Jack Nicholson. Holder of many secrets. Will talk herself into trouble and have no clue it’s happening.

  11. Luann de Lesseps, RHONY: This former countess has never shied away from her sexual escapades. Finally found “Tom” and got married despite the shitstorm the relationship caused in New York. A lover, not a fighter, the ever-controversial Lou has always done it her way.

  10. Porsha Williams, RHOA: Has come a long way during her run in Atlanta. Married and divorced in front of our eyes. Started out as an innocent bootylicious Barbie doll and morphed into a wig-snatching machine. Porsha has evolved since she notoriously mistook the fugitive safe-house network known as the Underground Railroad for an actual railroad that simply ran underneath the ground.

  9. Brandi Glanville, RHOBH: This quintessential shit starter is very responsible for taking the Housewives’ drama to the next level. She came, she saw, and she trashed up the joint with reckless abandon. Although she’s gone from Beverly Hills, she will never be forgotten. Her return would be a nightmare to some but also would be Bravo TV gold.

  8. Lisa Rinna, RHOBH: The soap opera star and shampoo-selling icon brought the drama when she landed in Beverly Hills. Has shown that her acting chops are beyond what she’s allowed to do on daytime television. Rinna can shed a single game-changing tear at the drop of a dime. Has stood in the pocket and stirred the pot with the best of them. I’ve heard Rinna is currently the patent holder and inventor of the Xanax smoothie. If that’s right, and you ever have a headache or misalignment, she’s your go-to gal for a quick fix.

  7. Rosie Pierri, RHONJ: Not officially a Housewife and has no qualms about it. Rosie is a fan favorite on the Jersey show. Tough as nails, with a heart of gold. Pierri has tried to remain loyal to the whole crew despite the Garden State’s propensity for chaos. Continually looking for love in all the wrong places. I hope this good woman finds herself a good woman to settle down with.